I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I like long walks away from everyone
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”