I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.

I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.

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Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.


Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that


Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded


10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher


So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.


her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no


me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’


if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.


Does North Korea remember what happened the last time a country attacked Hawaii?