@Shot_Of_Cabo

I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.

I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.

You Might Also Like

@qwertying

Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.

@ArfMeasures

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

@slaughthie

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

@Cpin42

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

@RickAaron

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

@Skoog

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

@GrahamKritzer

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

@the_kizzle

if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.

@LeviathanPride

Does North Korea remember what happened the last time a country attacked Hawaii?