Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here