Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.
I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK
*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p