My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel