I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*