I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
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People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
getting seasonal up in here
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”