Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.