I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…