I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
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I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Erm I’m gonna say no
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.