I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
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“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Where is your GOD now????
