I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
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[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
This seems like peak sibling energy
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
💀💀
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.