“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
had to make it
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt