I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Legend 🤣🤣
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
“Worm Regards”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time