Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Do one thing every day that scares people.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”