I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
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Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Stop sending me this shit.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday