Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

🤭😂

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)