i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
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Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
love pickles so much i put myself in one
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.