i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
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Me: Same
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Never forget.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.