Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?