I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you