i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”