i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
You Might Also Like
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.