You Might Also Like
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry