i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
when someone compliments me
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.