I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
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I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load