I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
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If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Need this in my life lol
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
for all #parents out there
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.