I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
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Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
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please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know