I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!