Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.