I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that