I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.