I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!