I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Just added something to my bucket list.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers