I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
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I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
they really do be looking like this
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.