Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.