Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.