I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
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when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.