I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
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In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Confused owl: What?!
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.