I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
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Happy Caturday!
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Guantanamo Bae
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Left at a local drug store…
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.