Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”