I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care