Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.