Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

My dog ate my work from home.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

👻

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

3: I want a pair of shoes like yours

Me: how about you ask Santa?!

3: how about we just order them now

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.