Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive