I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
weaknesses
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.