I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
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I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
when you order from DoorDastardly
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?