I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
You Might Also Like
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…