I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving