I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Sir!!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.