Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

scares