God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
devil: welcome to hell
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
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My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me.
“It’s not you,” he said, looking around. “It’s them.”
I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.