An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
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what’s really going on
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
another case of gang violins
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.