Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

Orange is oranging 🟠

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.