Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick