Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.