I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Worst Native American name ever.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends