I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.