I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
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me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.