I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
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My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
real
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman