Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

“You’d better run, egg!”

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

who did the taste test?

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Put my back out twerking in the library again

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho