I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Carpe DM
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The symmetry is uncanny.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!