Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act