Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.