Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Lmao

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler