I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.