Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk