I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
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[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Every haunted house movie:
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*