“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.