“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER