“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.