I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.