Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”