Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.