I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Cheers Twitter.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here