Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins