I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.