I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
life finds a way
