I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.