Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no passwords left in me

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

🥴😂

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF