When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.
hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”