I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
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These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.