@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

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@Social_Mime

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

@byrdie_num_num

We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

@dearjhonletter

hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min

@ADHDeanASL

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

@vertdegrey

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

@GianDoh

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

@Peauxtassium

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

@KentWGraham

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

@Rollinintheseat

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”