Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.